Why do vegetarians hate vegetables? I find myself asking it every time I eat at a vegetarian restaurant. Modern vegetarians destroy the basic beauty of vegetables by steaming the shit out of them, or by mashing too many of them together and creating a bizarre cacophony of mismatched flavors. They actually hate vegetables, so they try to cover up the taste or mix so much crap together that you can’t tell what any of it tastes like. The same people subsist in private by eating huge quantities of peanut butter and cheese. They’ve become the pseudo-liberal equivalent of the closeted gay Republican that’s banging transvestite prostitutes on the side. Veggies have become self-loathing mass of humanity, not content unless they continuously deny themselves the things they want most and pronounce haughty moral judgments on those who publicly embrace their deepest inner desires.
Carmelita is another exercise in vegetarian self-loathing. On a Tuesday it was quieter than a funeral mass. Though there were maybe 20 diners scattered throughout, no conversation reached a pitch audible to the human ear. The odd silence added to the overall feel that eating vegetarian fare is a chore instead of a treat.
A few of the appetizers have some flavor. The beet tartare is interesting, comes in a large portion, and is nicely presented. But the waiting room for hell is filled with people who laugh at puns. The chilled cream of asparagus soup respected the flavor of asparagus, but does asparagus soup need to come with asparagus salad? These are the kinds of decisions you make when your body is deprived of animal protein for too long. I’m glad they took the “Campbell’s” label off of the tomato and piquillo pepper soup before they heated it up. The gnocchi isn’t made with potato I guess because potatoes are a meat product or something. The soufflé may have been alright, but the sadistic fascination with asparagus was beginning to wear thin. The shaved artichoke in the side salad was awful, rubbery and flavorless - without the aid of the menu, none of the three people at our table were even able to identify if it was a fruit or a vegetable. The menu also offers a vegan risotto. Instead of trying to enjoy a risotto made without butter or cream, I just decided to drink more.
The wine was good, reasonably priced, and ostensibly meat-free.
Perhaps I’m being too harsh. I mean, Carmelita is fine, if you’re into that kind of thing. But vegetarians would be better off if they stopped torturing themselves, came out of the closet and tried a nice veal osso bucco. Just ask Rep. Mark Foley – indulging in a little under-aged meat will make you feel a lot better.